Fire

آری، آری ، زندگی زیباست زندگی آتشگهی دیرنده پا برجاست گر بیفروزیش، رقص شعله اش در هر کران پیداست ورنه، خاموش است وخاموشی گناه ماست سیاوش کسرایی / / / / / Life is like fire, can burns forever. If we turn it on we can see flame dances from far away, other wise its dark and thats our fault.

I think i like him so much, probably its beacus i know i can't have him,
I know that these are just feeling, feeling that will be waved by days, probbaly in 2 weeks i'll be normal again, I don't know if I want to be normal, the same life, with no excitations. atleast right now i have soem thing to cry about.
I know its just me,
craving for love some one freely.
I know its not all about that, I know love him, freely now, I know its my own challenge, wheather i choose to love him still or not.
If you know some thing wouldn't work and probably u don't want it to work would u still put all ur love in it?
well, probably it just depends to the goal of ur love, for which sake u r trying to love some one, specially when u know its just u, and the other person wouldn't feel as strong as u r.
probably i would say:
" daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh
do u read what r u writting?"

mmmmmmm,
one of the other thing I'm afraid is if i love him this way, i will become gay.!!!!!!
thats maybe the biggest challenge!


The only thing is from begining the only purpose of our firendship was to be better, support each other but go our own specefic way ( although i was always agianst the last one!)


I know my feeling is not all about "the best good" I know there r lots of pleasure mix with it. pleasure of remembering good memories of time we spend together, pleasure of having some one that u can " khodoeto barash los koni" and some one how treat u in sweat ways. there r the pleasure and also peace of mind,
I know that when i have them all, i used to asking my self was it all? and regardless how much i liked him that time, my answer wasn't fullfill me, and i wanted some thing more.


i know when i get used to some pleasure or habbits it is hard to let it go, ( should i let it go?) maybe I'm scared that i can't get to this point again.
u know just couple of weeks ago, i was thinking there r lots of nice great ppl around, guys and girls, lots of them could be much better than him, and there were lots of guys who had thsoe things i consider as "values". and it was just the matter of "click between 2 ppl" ( which i'm not saying its an easy thing to happn)

but right now again i fell in the trap that even if they r, they r not around.


I think the "Click" part is an important thing, when I look back, I know that all guys in my life they love me more than he does, but I was the one who didn't have the same feeling for them. or even if I did, those times things were more smooth, during these period i was emotionally ona rollercoseter, and at least i never cry for any guy till now...

u know, one of his big advantage was I knew taht he thinks about me as much as i did, but i'm sure that also changed.


feels like my heart is burning and with each glass of water i drink my heart sizzles.

I know that this is just me who is burning from inside, and I know I'm burning just beacuse I know things wouldn't work out. ( I know I don't want to get married with a guy like that though!)
Still he has lots of great characters that i'ven't find it in most ppl.

maybe this experiance was intresting beacuse I would never think I would fell like this, and I still know this is the begining i can love him deeper and deeper.
Maybe, not maybe fore sure thats the opportunity I don't want to miss, I don't want to look back and think that I had the opportunity to have the capacity to love some one so deep and i didn't.

But I'm not sure, If I give it a try,
and I let my love for him grow, so it become like an old tree, with beautiful branches, at that moment how can i love other person from begining?

If u love some one so unconditionally, and deeply, if u be inlove with some one, how can u let ur self have relation with otehr guysss? and expect to love them that much?

( sounds like its so easy when u write it, but I'm sure its diffrent in reallity)

u can like 2 ppl at the same time, i did it too, but I'm not sure if I'm inlove with some one, how can i fell for some one else,
or how can i kiss some one else, if i' m inlove with some one else? ( well i think thats easy! but for sure that kiss would not be a kiss out of a love or great emotion.)

and I'm afraid if i love him with no expectation, not even expecting a pleaser in our relation, then i get used to it. then i can't kiss any guy any more.
( don't call me divoone, if u r leaving in iran!) the point is not kissing or not kissing, its wat u expect from a relationship, and wat kinda habbit u will get used to in a relationship, and usually when u fix ur level of relationships or u get used to a habbit by CHOICE, specially for long time, then u can't easily change it. and thats the part i'm afraid of.

Thanx so much to Daria joonam, that told me to talk, and experess my feeling and thought while i was so upset and ghati pati.

thanx khooshgelam.
makes me feel release, Although i still didn't get to conclusion